just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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