So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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