I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We smell like vodka and hangover
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