Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
