mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He kissed a someone with a penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
