PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
