im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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