I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
