The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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