Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
