I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
