You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
