Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
