I accidentally had phone sex last night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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