the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
