I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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