Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
