and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
