The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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