I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
