please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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