He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
