If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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