You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
