Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
