I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
