There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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