First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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