Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
