I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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