I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
