I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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