I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
