Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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