So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
