k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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