apparently the secret to your success is patron
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Dick very happy bro
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
