Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
