Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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