why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
