Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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