wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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