she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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