last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
