soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
