Kiss
Puke
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
