why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize