I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
