I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
