so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
