why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
