So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
