remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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