Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
