I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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