somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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