I can text with my tongue
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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