i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
