i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
