I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
