Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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