oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The beer is more important than you right now.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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